apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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