somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
