There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
