im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just forgot I was standing up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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