I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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