My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
