I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
