I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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