We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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