I'm going to jail i love you
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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