I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
