I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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