All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
