I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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