i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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