I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
