don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I need a beard to bite.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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