You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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