dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
