Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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