Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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