The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you win again, gameday.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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