I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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