Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
