I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
