I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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