I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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