He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
