He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
