He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
