im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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