There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
