Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
