Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
