eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
