I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
