He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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