are you still at the devil's house?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
