you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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