6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
