ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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