Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
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Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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