# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Please don't give away my fajitas
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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