I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Actions speak louder than pants.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
