Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
