Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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