Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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