Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Congratulations! We have a period
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