i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
