I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
