Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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