I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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