I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
