I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
please come you make the beer taste better
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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