hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
