I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
