we're chasing vodka with high fives
there's paper in my vomit.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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